Hola Everyone!
"HI ho, Hi ho... It's under the knife we go..." *whistles sarcastically...*
My therapist, by the way, refers to that as "Gallows humor," which I find to be extremely innapropriate since in my book, nobody's dying, right? But I do apologize for my candid dark-and-twisty-ness and my sometimes innapropriate sense of humor, it's how I deal with all of "this."
So, it looks like the next step is surgery. They are going to cut out what they can. Hopefully I will feel better after surgery and a quick uneventful recovery.
There's a couple of hurdles with this surgery idea. First, although all my doctors say this is the right thing to do, finding an aggressive and confident enough head and neck surgeon is harder than it sounds, so I have a referral to a surgeon that is known to be these things. I see that surgery team for the initial consult on Tuesday.
At this point I do not know exactly what risks are involved (well, except what's typical for all surgeries!), what the risk - t0 - benefit ratio will be, what the recovery time will be, how long of a hospital stay I will have...ect. I will hope to gain this information on Tuesday. I have theorized with a few of my physician and surgeon friends about these things, but I don't have anything solid to share 'officially,' so as soon as I know anything for sure I'll let you guys know. I can say that I suspect that this is going to be a tricky surgery with a decent amount of down-time... but again, these are only suspicions based on my own clinical practice.
I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. First, I'm like, quite frankly, the biggest baby that I know when it comes to anything medical. I'm not a big fan of pain. And I don't like to not be "in control" of my mind and body -- so I absolutely despise pain medications and analgesics. Which means I am glad that none of my MD friends are going to be my anesthesiologists, because I just -- have a feeling, again based on my clinical practice, that I'm going to be a pain-in-the-rear patient coming out of anesthesia. Just a guess. I despise -- really truly despise -- how I feel on Morphine -- it makes me angry and mean! But I also am not a big fan of pain either... so hopefully we can work something out! :)
And then, my dear friend's son just had his tonsils/adenoids removed last week, and I saw him that evening, and a few times since, and he looks soooo uncomfortable, poor baby... and I'm thinking... "we're going to be in the same boat soon!"
But then there is the idea, the dream, really... of waking up one day really soon and feeling "normal" again, whatever that means. I think I will know I'll be once again "normal" when I'm able to accomplish everything that I need to do within a day's timeframe without having to take a break every thirty minutes because I'm simply exhausted. When I can actually go a full 14 hour day without having to take a nap. When I can go back to my life of school and work and Christian. I really can't wait.
And it's not that I'm looking for a quick fix (or maybe I am), but I'm thinking once the post-op discomfort goes away, if "it" is all gone, then I should feel normal again... and this is something I long for. So on this angle, I'm SO EXCITED to get this surgery. I just want to feel normal again!
As for this week, I'm doing ok. I "wax and ween," a lot, which is very frustrating for me. I took a trip to Jacksonville to see some very dear friends on a whim and it was a great time. I think I'm ok, although I have three school papers due for this hospital business accounting class (Booooorrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg!!!!), Christian's schoolwork is behind, my house is a mess, and I have ten tons of errends to run and "things to do" that I can never seem to get to. And I'm tired, rediculously tired.
I've also decided that I like my bald head. Weird, I know... but, it's easy. I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say, "My hair is perfect!" Which is awesome. I also get hot and sweaty in the bandana I was always wearing before and I'm now leaving the house more and more often without it. I'm getting used to being bald, and it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm ok with just being me... The only part that still "gets me" is when the wind blows and I can feel it on my scalp. Then I am quite cold quite quickly. And the other part I miss is the lathering of the shampoo. For some reason, the "hair" of the equation
Hair + Shampoo + Warm Water =
Nice foamy soapy good-smelling fun times
Nice foamy soapy good-smelling fun times
is notably important. Without it, the shampoo doesn't really get foamy or bubbly, and it's like taking the shampoo and washing any other part of your body with it.
Scalp + Shampoo = Just going thru the motions
and wasting shampoo for the "normalcy" of it.
and wasting shampoo for the "normalcy" of it.
So that's something else I miss. But really it's not a big deal. Those equations are pure science. Look it up. True story.
So nonetheless, that's the latest with me. Other than that, everything is going okay.
I want to take a chance and thank those few people in my life that really care about me. These are the people that are there for me in the good times and in the bad times... people I love so dearly. For those people: I know that you love me, I know who you are, and I know you would do anything in the world for me. Friends like you are hard -- if not near impossible -- to come by in today's world, and looking back over my life I have never had so much support and love as I've had over the past year. I am so blessed and eternally grateful to you all: thank you for answering my phone calls when I just want to complain and for being that ear for me, for believing in me when oftentimes it seems like no one else does, for having "my back," when issues arise, for going with me to those often overwhelming and scary doctor's appointments, for going to the gym with me when I was still going, for rescuing me from time to time, for picking me up when I am down, for offering to help when I can't do "it" anymore.
Because of you, I know what love is. And I just wanted to say thanks.
My life in a single phrase:
Keep me in your prayers, guys, cuz, in all fairness, I'm scared about surgery.
Love always,
Rachele
1 comments:
Wow, surgery. Its invasive, but it may be nice to just get the junk out of you. We will for sure be praying for you. We will be waiting to hear how it goes.
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